Oh, Henry
by NarcissisticNienna
Summary: Jack comes back for Will. Hilarity and slashiness ensues. Changed the rating to R because pg13 just wasnt cuttin' it. Warning:Slow Updates on account of Laziness. Trying desperately not to cross the line from humor to parody.
1. Oh, Henry

Disclaimer:: ::dramatic sigh:: Noo.. I don't own it… I don't own much of anything when you come down to it… I mean technically I didn't make the money that funds my clothes and my toys… I don't even own this coke but I'm halfway done drinking it so you can't take it away. Miiiinneee.

Summary:: basic story line for slashers. Will misses Jack, Jack comes back for freak reason, Jack takes Will away and shagging ensues. Only... there wont be much actual shagging until I get the balls to write it hehehe so we'll just have to live with flirting, sexual tension, and humor. (I'm not even too sure I did well with the sexual tension. . . .  ::bangs head against wall:: Anyway, go on ahead and enjoy!

Authors note ::but before you enjoy, I hafta stop you right there. This is just a test portion of all I've written so far, so if ya like it, tell me and I'll be forced to post more up. Ta!

3 months ago. 3 months, two days and one night. It was that long ago that Will Turner had last seen Jack Sparrow, sailing into the horizon. The more Will thought about this the more tempting it became, and the more miserable his home life was.

He sighed and put his hammer down then ran his hands through his disheveled hair.

It had all been shot to hell. The wedding the honeymoon his whole perfect ending life was no more.

When Elizabeth's father ailed and died suddenly, a month and a half of planning for the wedding was wasted. She inherited the house and the fortune so that she and Will could live very comfortably for a long time coming. But until the proper mourning time was completed and they wedded, Will was stuck in his room above his shop and only saw Elizabeth a couple of times a week when neither of them were busy.

Will began fantasizing about how life as a pirate while beginning to hammer once again.

Living free on a ship as wild as the wind and untamed, doing as he pleased when he pleased, no rules of society holding back. Only him and the open sea. Him, the open sea and … Jack.

He smiled at the thought of jack for a second before screaming in pain as he smashed his thumb with his hammer.

"Aaaahhhgg! Bloody hammer oww!!" He held his thumb in his mouth with a pitiful face pouting at nothing. 

"Now, whelp, you shouldn't yell like that. Ye don't want to wake up the whole street do ye?"

Will's eyes went wide at the familiar voice he'd only heard in his dreams where he took him away on the Black Pearl and never looked back. Of course the dreams where perfectly straight and **non** gay. Suuuure.

"Omigud juck!" Will exclaimed from around his thumb. Jack gave an amused grin.

"That's Captain Juck, to you mate." Jack sauntered over to the shocked will and reached out and took Will's hand in his and looked at the smished thumb and gave a disapproving look.

"A blacksmith like you, I'd have expected better." Will grabbed his hand back and regained his composure.

"It wasn't my fault. It was the bloody hammers fault. The handle is too slick." 

"Slick handle, eh?" Jack said thoughtfully then fingered at the hammer in a most provocative way. Will's mouth went dry the nodded, trying to look normal. Jack looked up at him and stated casually

" Well, _this_ handle isn't very slick but I'm sure we could find one that is if we looked hard enough."

Will's eyes widened and his lips parted slightly. Jack slapped him on the back in a friendly way and walked over to a chair where he sprawled himself out and played with a sword he picked up randomly.

" Why did you come back, Jack? You know very well there's a spot out on those cliffs with your corpses name on them."

"Hmmm does it say captain? Or just Jack?"

Will rolled his eyes and walked over to Jack.

"Jack, you know this isn't safe. Why in gods name would you return, now answer me directly or I will have your guts for garters and I'll hang that stupid little hat of yours-" Will was cut off when Jack poked the sword in his face.

"Now don't be callin' me hat stupid. I'd apologize to it ri' now if I was you" Will rolled his eyes.

"And if I was to apologize to your hat would you answer my question?"

"Maybe. Let's see and find out." Will sighed exasperatedly

" I'm sorry for calling you stupid, Captain Jack Sparrow's Hat." 

"'Is name is Henry."

"I'm sorry, Henry."

"What are you sorry for?"

/sigh/ 

"For calling you stupid."

"For calling who stupid?"

"Your hat."

"…"

"Henry!! I'm soooo sorry Henry for calling you stupid and insulting you, I had no idea hats had feelings!"

"They don't have feelings, mate. Don't be stupid." Will held his hands up over his head and let out a roar of anger.

"Jaaaaaccckkk!!!" Jack slipped the sword back in its place and looked up at will innocently.

"Mmmyeeees?" Will glared at Jack and started pacing back and forth, mumbling to himself, causing Jack to look at him curiously from his seat, then Will turned sharply on his heel and stuck his face close to Jack, who had recoiled slightly in shock.

"Do you see it Jack?! Do you see it twitch???" Jack wondered what he wanted him to see twitch and got ready to make a suggestive comment when he was cut off by Will, who stuck his finger in his own eye.

"See it twitch Captain? See what you make my eye do?? See it twitch?!!?" Jack made a small concerned face and gently removed wills finger from his eye.

"Now, now, it wouldn't do if you poked your own eye out, would it?" He held Will's hand in his and patted the top of it, talking to him like he was a small child.

"Now sit down an' tell ol' Jackie what's changed since I last sailed away on me ship…"

Slowly Will pulled a chair in front of Jack's and laid his head in his hands.

"I can't do it. I can't wait for her. I love her but I'm only human Jack, I just *can't*. I feel horrible but I can't possibly do this anymore, after all we've been through and It's just too much to deal with, with the waiting and the courting and it's bloody horrendous. I can't." Jack leaned forward, and put his fingers to his lips, as if in deep though, inferring that the "Her" was Elizabeth, but he couldn't understand much more.

"Wait?"

"Yeah. Her father died so now we have to go through this sodding mourning ritual bull crap and I want her now but it'll be months before… I'm a man Jack; I can only wait so long, ya know? It's just a matter of time before I start looking to whores for comfort. Now look at this! I'm blaming her for her father's death and I sound bloody selfish, after all we've been through and all I can think about is getting her into bed. I'm such a horrible person. Do you think I'm a horrible person, Jack?" Will looked up at Jack's contemplative face with puppy dog eyes, pleading to be scolded for his behavior, but looking to Jack for this wasn't the way to go.

After a long pause he spoke.

"No. I don't think you're a horrible person. You're a man, a boy; desires of the flesh are natural. And it must be horrible considering you've never been…" Jack flipped his hand in the air suggestively.

"What? Yes I have." Will said defensively. "Several times infact. With several women."

/Snort/

"Why'd you do that? Don't you believe me?"

"No I don't believe you. Would you believe you if you were me?" 

"Well…" Jack leaned forward and lightly placed his hand on Will's thigh, causing Will to furrow his eyebrows.

"Listen mate. Come with me to Tortuga, Buy yerself a 'ore and then you wont be so…" he stroked wills thigh a little and said quietly "so damn innocent… savvy?"

Wills mind went a little wacky, what with the thoughts of whores and Tortuga and leaving with jack and jack stroking his thigh felt so damn good all he **could** say was an immediate slightly breathy 

"Yes"

Jack instantly jumped up and yelled

"Tha's wonderful!" Will joined him in standing and smiled weakly.

"But what about Elizabeth?"

"We shall go tell her. now. Me and you."

"At this hour of the night? She'll be asleep."

"Then you shall awaken her."

"I cant. I wont, it'll break her heart if I leave her."

"How can you be so sure?"

"What?" Jack flailed his arms in the air and started pacing casually back and forth.

"You know how you feel and perhaps our dear Swann feels the same? Did you ever consider that, mate?"

Will shifted uncomfortably

"No I suppose not but-"

"But nothing. Lets go."

Jack headed out the door, followed closely by an exasperated Will


	2. Burning?

Jack stood outside, breathing in the fresh air.

"Jack a-are you quite sure we should-" 

Will's arm was grabbed In jack's tight grip and he was led off abruptly toward Elizabeth's residence.  Will had to admit, he didn't mind Jack's dominance, nor did he mind the slight pain in his arm were Jack was holding onto him. Keeping the control over him. Boy did he so not mind being taken control of. 

But, alas, Will did **not** want to go find Elizabeth at the moment, he was enjoying Jacks company far too well to let Elizabeth intrude. So the blacksmith stopped walking abruptly and pulled his arm away from jack. He didn't break free but he did manage to make Jack loose his balance and fall on the hard ground. Will got pulled down beside Jack _Thank heavens I didn't fall on top of him_ Will thought. Jack grunted.

"Why'd ye have to go an' do tha', Willy?" Jack let go of will and sat up slowly feeling the back of his head. Doubtful that he hit the ground hard enough for him to get knocked out but those trinkets could be deadly if fallen upon. Will didn't bother to sit up and looked up at Jack's sitting figure.

"I don't want to go find Liz." 

"And how do you propose we leave without her finding out?"

"Well."

"Come on get up, you don't have a choice in this lad."

"Wha-"

"You heard me," Jack stood and towered above Will's body. "Get up and lets go. Don't make me carry ye."

"But Ja-"  Jack rolled his eyes ever so slightly before bending down and grabbing Will and slinging him over his shoulder and started to walk off.

"Put me down this instant!" the disgruntled blacksmith yelled to his captor. 

"Mmm nope." 

"And why not?"

"_Because_" 

"That's not a good enough answer." Jack sighed and slapped will's ass.

"'s that a good enough answer for ya?" Will eeked and his eyes widened.

"Jack!"

"Will?"

"Jack!"

"Will?"

"You- you- you put me down right now!" he struggled over jack's shoulder until jack couldn't hold him up so he dropped him abruptly on his back and glared over him.

"Happy?"

"No"

" Didn't think so. So tell me why we can't go to yer ladies house?"

Will, of course, didn't have a logical reason and just stared with his mouth open.

"Alrighty then. To Liz's house it is." Jack said firmly. Will nodded silently and followed behind the captain like a whipped puppy dog until they arrived at the gate. Jack and will looked up at the large closed gate debating with themselves on how they should go about entering. 

"Well Jack, it looks as if the fates have decided that we should **not** go to Elizabeth and have locked us out." 

"Don't be silly mate." Jack then started walking away to Wills utter confusion. But will's questioning mind was soon answered when Jack came running down the street toward the gate and flung himself up onto the gate with so much impact that the gate swung open.

"Aaaahhgg" Jack said and hung on for dear life. Apparently, the gate **wasn't** locked nor was it completely closed. Jack hadn't noticed this, and although Will did notice this, he didn't wish to bring his attention to it. But it was hard to miss now that Jack was swinging back and forth until he finally found a good place to jump off, inside the garden of tulips and geraniums, smishing several. Will shook his head and followed suite.

"I sometimes wonder if you're as sane as you claim to be, Jack."

Jack snorted

"I've never once in our relationship claimed my sanity, dear William." Will just walked off toward the front door and waited for Jack to catch up. When they both arrived Will tested the door. Locked. For sure this time.

"Well jack. Do you wish to plummet yourself into the door once again? This time I'm quite sure it's locked therefore throwing you into it won't do much good. Might scratch your pretty face but . . ." will trailed off 

_I didn't just say he had a pretty face, did I? _Will thought worriedly 

_I knew it wasn't just my imagination! I **am** pretty! _Jack thought, smiling cockily, obviously not as obsessed about who said it.

"Well lad, we should bang on the door until someone opens it then shoot them, then go inside and steal all their good, rape their women, and torture all that's left."

Will raised an eyebrow.

"No, never mind, I was thinking of my next adventure. What we should do know is climb up the side of the house to her window, open it, then sneak in"

"And how will we go about doing that?"

Jack shrugged

"I came up with the plan, **you** get to work out the technicalities."

Will took a few large steps back and looked up at the house. He saw a thick wall of vines going up to a window. He quickly walked over to it and pulled on it to test its strength. He realized there was a wooden platform holding it up, a smirked crossed his lips and he motioned for Jack to join him, looking immensely pleased with himself at his discovery. 

"Ah, very resourceful of you, boy. Now do ye have any idea on whose room that happens to belong't?"

Will looked at him and shrugged helplessly

"I figured it out **you** get to decide whether or not it's worth the risk." Jack paused a moment then smiled brightly and slapped him on the back and pushed him toward the vines.

"Go on go on you first whelp." Will was trying to resists, he hadn't had time to. . . . Plan his climbing….

"But Jack…" Jack heaved Will onto the vines and looked at him disapprovingly.

"Will, have we not already decided that nothing good comes out of questioning me?" 

Will sigh exasperatedly, having the distinct feeling that he'd be exasperated **a lot** when around Jack. Will proceeded to climb up, when he reached a halfway point Jack jumped up onto the vines and started climbing enthusiastically causing the platform to shake visibly. Will clung onto the vines; scared shitless That Jack would be the cause of his death tonight. 

"Jack stop shaking it!!" 

"Not until you keep climbing." Jack bounced a bit.

"Jack its going to fall!" Bounce Bounce Bounce; eventually Will took a tentative few steps up vines.

"Good boy… keep going… keep on going…" Will had halted a bit but as soon as jack gave a warning bounce he started going fast, followed closely by Jack. Will kept going faster and said slightly calmer, to Jack

"Jack! I'm climbing stop bouncing!"  Jacks voice wasn't as happy as usual…

"Um… I'm not bouncing it…" will looked up terrified to see that he platform was coming off the side. His eyes widened as he scurried up to the window seal and pulled himself up onto the narrow little area and sat, uneasily. Then he realized Jack wasn't able to get up.

"Jack! Hurry up before it gives!" 

Jack giggled nervously

"Well I'm trying… honestly… I just seem to have gotten my foot caught right here…" The vine platform gave a loud creak and started to detach. Jack looked up to Will as if to say nothings to worry about. Jack spoke his voice hitching.

"No worries I'll make it…" Will gave his hand to jack in urgency.

"Here take my hand and ill try and heave you out of it." Jack took his hand and they pulled for a moment when jacks hand slipped out causing the platform to break off completely making Will scream before he dove down a bit and latched onto it and hold on to the incredibly heavy piece of wood, the vines cutting into his palms. Will tried jerking it up but just hit himself against the window causing a loud clang and shook Jack around.

"Will! Don't do tha'!" Jack sounded as if he was running out of ideas, as if he had any in the first place. Just then The window behind will opened and he almost fell through but landed leaning against Liz.

She gasped

"Will! Jack!" she immediately threw her candle down on the floor and latched onto the edge of the platform to help pull Jack up. They succeeded in holding it still but Jack was still stuck.

"Jack, you'll have to take off your boot! Or else you'll be stuck there!"

"Well luvley Liz, s'not that easy as you see I'd have to bend down." She sighed exasperatedly much like Will had done about three times before.

"Oh for gods sake Jack just hold on with one hand and stop being a bloody baby!" 

Jack then sighed as if she was a child and he knew everything and her suggestions were futile. 

"_Alright"_ He said and bent down, his shift in weight shifting the platform and the two up in the room held on tighter. He kept one hand latched onto the vines and tried to unlace his boot and pull out with some difficulty but managed to get out of it and scampered his way up to the window and climbed in relaxing slightly.

"See Elizabeth? All I had to do was take my foot out of my boot!" Jack proclaimed as if it was his idea. 

She rolled her eyes. Will looked out the window curiously, expecting to see the platform give away and fall down to the ground but it just stayed there hardly separated from the walls.

"Um Elizabeth? Why isn't this falling?" Will gave it a good push and it just held steady.

"Oh it wont fall, its attached to the wall in the middle as well. See?" She pointed to where it was attached. 

"And why didn't ye tell us before _now_? Perhaps when I was still on the bloody thing!?" Elizabeth smirked 

"It was entertaining." Jack smiled sarcastically at her then frowned. Sniffing the air slightly.

"Do ye smell something… burning?"


	3. Isnt It Ironic?

"Do ye smell something… burning?" Elizabeth sniffed a little then saw that her vanity was on fire; she let out a shrill scream.

"THE CANDLE! AAAAHHH!! WHAT DO WE DOO?!?!?!" The three of them backed away from the fire and Will said weakly

"Liz? You're not by any chance going to surprise us and say that the fire will go out by itself, will you?"

"I'm afraid not…" She just then heard several thumping feet run up the stairs. She pushed Will and Jack into a closet hurriedly.

"Hide! Stay quiet!" Just then 3 servant girls ran in to the room and screamed obviously not knowing what to do.

"Well? Aren't you going to do something?!" Elizabeth yelled, coughing at the smoke. It was steadily getting more difficult to breathe. The three girls just screamed again. 

"Oh for the love of god…" Elizabeth said as she ran out of the room dragging the girls out with her and running down the stairs.

"We need water! Go fill up a bucket for each of you and I'll soak a blanket, hurry!" the girls ran off to do what they were instructed in panic and tears. 

Meanwhile in the closet Will was starting to panic as well as smoke started coming in through the cracks of the door. Jack was backed into the lowest corner of the closet having more experience with fires that Will and pull him down to the floor as well. 

"Jack!! We're going to die aren't we? We're going to die a horrible painful firey death and out flesh with blister and scorch and all that will be left are our mangled burnt bodies and ashes and-" Jack Slapped Will who looked at him dumbstruck.

"Thanks. I needed that." Jack nodded solemnly and continued waiting in silence.

Elizabeth ran into a closet reaching for a blanket and throwing it into a basin of water and breathing quickly, she ran back upstairs and flew into the room after sucking in deep breath in the clean air then threw the blanket on parts of the fire putting out a little at a time. Soon the girl came up and threw the buckets of water on the largest parts of the fire succeeding in dimming it then Elizabeth's blanket took care of the rest. The smoke fireless smoke began flowing out the window and the air became more breathable.

Liz shooed the girls away with a wave of the hand before collecting herself and opening the closet door.

"All better." Will and Jack looked at each other remembering hwy they were hear. Jack prompter Will slightly and he looked up.

"No Elizabeth. It's not."

"What are you talking of, Will?"

"Elizabeth I'm leaving."

"L-leaving? I don't understand…." 

Will continued as if he had not been interrupted

"But only for a bit, with Jack and then we'll come back very soon."

"But to what cause, Will! What could be your business in Tortuga?"

Will looked to Jack for help but Jack just looked away, twiddling his thumbs, he then looked back to Elizabeth.

"I…" Elizabeth came to a conclusion and said stubbornly

"If you leave to that pirate ridden place with Jack, a pirate, when you return Commodore will have your head."

Will looked at her disbelievingly

"He wouldn't know unless you told him…"

Elizabeth did not speak.

"You wouldn't." Elizabeth continued to stare straight ahead.

"Elizabeth…"

"I wont let you leave Will. I can't let you leave. Not after all we've been through just to get this far, all those risks for nothing? You've got to be kidding! It's ridiculous. Why would you want to go? To get away from me? Are you bored with this life? Maybe you're too impatient to marry …" Elizabeth looked up in realization and said, her voice between anger and distress  

"You… you… You want t-to," She continued in hushed tones her voice shaking with rage

"You want to go buy a bloody whore don't you? You just can't possibly wait until the wedding?" Will looked down suddenly very ashamed of even letting the thought cross his mind also wondering if Elizabeth had always been this perceptive.

"I see you don't even want to try and deny it." She said eerily calm, she floated over to her vanity in a ghost like way and fingered at a heavy glass container of powder.

"Very rash, so very rash William Turner." She said as she picked up the container and holding it up near her face looking at it.

Jack realized what she had plans to do before will did apparently because he grabbed Will out of the way right as it came hurling at his head. This caused Elizabeth's attention to shift toward Jack who looked at her in fear. 

"Now Lass don't be over reacting…"

"OVER REACTING?! PLEASE JACK, DEFINE OVER REACTING, BECAUSE I FEEL AS THOUGH I AM REACTING JUST ENOUGH!" She then flung several glass vials at him, missing narrowly and continued yelling at Jack who was now backed into a corner. She placed her foot on Jacks crotch and started pressing down harder and harder as she spoke.

"Now, I think… you should both… leave…" Jack was squeaking like a rubber duck by the time she was done and Will looked at her in horror, instinctively crouching over to protect **his** parts. Jack nodded vigorously and stood up then flung himself out the window to get away from Elizabeth. Will looked at Jack as he hit the ground with a thud and a barely audible uugh. Will looked apologetically at Elizabeth before plummeting himself out the window with a **BANZAI**!! All the while thinking that all of the previous trouble had been to avoid this…

Will landed in the bushes beside Jack, in doing so, escaping the bruises that Jack would have tomorrow. He stood slowly and looked up at the now closed window and walked over to Jack, attempting to help the man up but was shocked when Jack jumped up himself, looking as perky as ever acting as if nothing happened. Will wondered idly if the man was indestructible…

"Ya know Jack, If we hadn't come like I said, we could have saved ourselves from going through all that."

Jack nodded… then spoke

"Isn't it ironic?" 

"Don't ya think?"

"A little too ironic."

"Yeah, I really do think…" (Authoress giggle) There was a contemplative silence while Sparrow and Turner walked off into the sunset (or sunrise… or moon… depending on what time it is…)

"I don't suppose we'll be coming back then, eh?" 

"No lad, I don't suppose."

"We forgot your boot."

"I do suppose we have."

"We're not going back."

"I know."

"I'll buy you a new boot."

"Bloody right you will."

"To the pearl, then?"

"Where else?"

"Never coming back?"

"Never."

"you sure?"

"Very sure."

"So I'll never see my home again."

"Most likely."

"Never again?"

"Never again."

"Are you sure?"

"Do you **like** getting hit, boy?"

Will grinned sheepishly and they got close to the docks, Will could make out the pearl far into the distance, presumably that far in order to avoid attention. A fairly safe choice for the attention whore that is Jack.

"Stop thinking that."

"Thinking what?"

"You thought that I was an attention whore."

"I did not."

"You did I heard you."

"How can you hear me think?"

"I cant."

"Then how did you know I thought you were an attention whore?"

"I didn't."

"Oh."


	4. Touch It And Die

AN: sorry about the delay and about it's shortness, I felt this was a good stopping place for the chapter, plus I couldn't thin of anything else that would fit with it.

Will pondered Jack's "psychic" abilities for the next couple of moments until he realized that they had stopped walking. He looked up puzzled, and saw that Jack seemed to be inspecting the water under the dock curiously. Jack crouched down, looked at the water, sniffed the water, paused, then stuck his finger in the water, took it out and looked at it closely… then tasted it.

Will looked at him… then whispered…

"What are you doing?"

Jack turned slightly and looked at the boy who had been leaning over his shoulder as if he just now realized that Will was with him.

"I'm inspecting the water, of course."

"Inspecting it… what have you found?"

"Well dear boy, I have found that someone very recently relived himself in this here water so we should find another place to dive in."

"_Relieved himself? Dive in?_ We're going to be **diving**? And how can you be sure that someone 'relieved' himself in these waters.." he looked at jack curiously "Have you had experience in tasting… such things?"

Jack leered at him

"There's not always fresh water on the ships, ya know." Will went pale and suddenly wished he had… Stayed home… where there **was** water.

"Alri' then. Off we go!" Jack dived into the water gracefully, a long stretch from his usual clumsy self-confident swagger. 

"BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PISS?!"

But alas, Jack did not hear him because he was several feet under water swimming expertly toward the pearl… this made Will wonder idly if one of Jack's parents was a fish, perhaps he had some mermaid in him, those pirates must get awfully lonely on the seas and a nice looking girl, albeit half fish, would probably still be mighty tempting…  (Obviously Will has a bit of an attention span problem)

Eventually Will pulled out of his thoughts and attempted to dive into the water, only succeeding in doing a cross between a belly flop and a canon ball… no matter what it was, he would most definitely have burns on his belly tomorrow.

He struggled to swim to the pearl, by the time he arrived Jack was already on board, seemingly dry (_I wonder how he got dry so fast... maybe mermaids have special drying abilities… like waterproof or something… maybe they had a pair of clothes waiting for him… but how many outfits can you have that look exactly alike? They can't have too many they are pirates they don't exactly have the best of everything... Do they? I suppose they could steal a good amount of clothes but what the likelihood that he found the exact same outfit_-) Will was pulled out of his thoughts when a rope ladder fell on his head, thrown by Jack who helped pull him on board.

Will dripped onto the deck pathetically and looked at all the smirking faces, some of whom, who he had recognized such as Ana Maria, had grunted a greeting. Will looked up to see Jack looking at him in a pitying way.

"Should have known you weren't much of a swimmer. Alright mate time to get you settled in." 

The Captain walked off, followed quickly by Will, and down a stairway to a door. He began unlocking it when he turned around and looked at Will seriously.__

 "Now listen here, boy. This is me private quarters which means no one is allowed in… Cept you I'd reckon. You'll be staying in here with me, since I don't fancy you'd fair well staying with Gibbs or Ana Maria, they're very picky about keeping their space and the rest of the crew'd probably eat you alive. Keep in mind that you may not," he gestured and assumed a disgusted look on his face "_touch_ anything without my permission, and if you happen to disobey me, you'll suffer a most horrible death… Savvy?"

Will nodded. 

"Savvy."

Jack resumed the unlocking of his quarters with such suspense that Will nearly fell over himself to get in there, half expecting there to be several dead bodies and half expecting there to be riches beyond the imagination. He was surprised to see that honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal.

There was a rather large comfortable looking bed with red velvet covers and silk pillowcases, which was about the most stunning thing in there. On the opposite wall there was a working desk with a quill, an inkbottle, and some parchment with scribbled maps, and a few drawers with keyholes and upon better inspection of Jack's hair, you'd be able to find its key dangling in there. _Those must be what I'm not supposed touch._ Besides that there was a small closet, which assumedly, had all of Jacks… exact same outfits. _Better not touch that either…_

Jack did a twirl and stood in front of Will, smiling proudly of his room.

"Welcome to your new residence."

Will smiled and walked over to the bed, running his fingers over the soft material until it dawned on him that there was, in fact, only one bed. Will spoke without turning to Jack, still admiring the bed.

"Jack? Where do you want me to sleep?"

Jack silently came up behind Will and pressed his body lightly against Will's back, Will stiffened up at the contact.

"That's an awfully large bed, William. Two people could fit in there quite comfortably, don't you agree?"

Will closed his eyes briefly 

"Yes." He hissed out breathlessly and tried not to gasp as Jack hand brushed down his hip.

"Good… It's nearly time for bed, get settled in while I go talk to the crew, will you?"

And he moved away, cat like in his demeanor and closed the door behind him with a click, leaving Will alone to his own devices.

Flopping down on the bed stunned and slightly confused, Will muttered to himself

"Oh. Good. Lord." 

Meanwhile Jack strode to the main deck and stood beside Ana Maria, smiling to himself. 

Ana Maria looked at him out of the corner of her eye and the sighed looking back out to the sea.

"D'ya bed him yet?"

Jack looked at her like she was insane but she could see a smirk coming out.

"What on earth do you **mean**, miss?" Jack exclaimed all too innocently. Ana Maria often wondered if he honestly thought he sounded innocent. She considered whacking him over the head but didn't want to loose control of the wheel.

"You know bloody well what I mean."

Jack smirked fully, turned to her casually and said in hushed tones.

"Lets just say that it would be prudent for the crew not to listen to closely when they pass my quarters tonight." And walked away to check the others work, leaving Ana Maria and her disapproving looks behind.

_I'll be damned if that boy doesn't get hurt by the end of the week._


	5. Lemme See Dat Cute Wittle Bottom

AN: OH. MY. GOD. I am so sorry to have waited this long to write this, honestly, back in December I said to myself, Josie, You'll just have to tell them you wanted to wait until Christmas so you would have the dvd and be able to have better characterization. And I did get it, yay!, but I just now found time to write it. Cause I was procrastinating so much (I swear it's a killer) and only out of lack of anything better to do (I'm only baby sitting, nothing too important) I finally got down to business and I feel so good about it, I can finally get my next chapter underway, a chapter that I'm really looking forward to and have I mentioned how pissed I am that I cant put up an AN where chapter should be? ::snort:: I **hate** that new rule, I woulda given y'all prior warning if I coulda. Anyway, on with the show. Btw I didn't beta it or even read over it yet, I'm just too eager to put it up. Ta!

It was a good 2 hours before Jack returned to his room. Will had had a difficult time amusing himself and mostly sat on Jacks bed tense and confused wondering when Jack would be back and what would happen then. _Surely he was just being his usual touchy self. He doesn't want to… do whatever it is men do. _

Will eventually decided to stop soaking the bed with his dripping clothes and undressed, slipping on a very feminine robe he found lying around and did his best to ring the water out of his clothes and set them out to dry. He sat down on Jack chair, fidgeting and bouncing his foot up and down completely stressed. He continued like this until Jack stepped in and locked the door behind him.  

Upon Jack's entrance Will jumped and stood up, looking at him nervously.

Jack raised his eyebrow and looked at Will's attire oddly. Will jumped to explain:

"Uh, my, my clothes they um where wet and they're drying right there- see? – and um I saw this robe on your chair- I didn't look In your closet or anything for it, by the way – and I got dressed in it until my clothes are done drying…" 

Jack walked up and started circling him, obviously trying not to laugh at Will.

"I'll just change back into them-"

"Oh that wont be necessary." Wills heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened

"What?!"

"I said it wont be necessary, I have an extra outfit you can borrow. No need for soggy clothes, I always say."

Will suddenly felt stupid about this and smiled, nodding his head in thanks, while trying to recall if Jack had ever once before said there was no need for soggy clothes.

Jack opened his closet, after peering over his shoulder, keeping it closed most of the way, blocking Will from viewing it. He reached in and came back to Will with an outfit nearly identical to his own. 

"Here ya go. Nice and dry." 

Will took it graciously and Jack smiled at him. An awkward silence passed. Will looked at him oddly.

"Can I change?"

"Why of curse you can." Jack continued to look at him and smile.

"Um.. I mean.. ya know…"

"Oh! Right, of course alone I see." Jack turned around, almost unwillingly… or was that unwillingness just Wills imagination?

"Ya know, mate, modesty never got any body anywhere. Best rid yerself of that trait and I'm just the man to help you."

"Modesty is required for all proper gentlemen, Jack." Will said boldly.

"I'm not a proper gentleman, Mr. Gibbs isn't a proper gentleman, and Ana Maria isn't a man at all so where's the problem?" Will looked helplessly at Jacks back and sighed defeated, he knew arguing with Jack would never work. He's like a woman for god's sake.

Jack became a bit anxious and turned quickly, just in time to see Will tying up the breeches, Will smiled slightly and put his hands on his hips in an accomplished manner.

"Now what? Surely its too early to go to sleep? We should go on deck and… sail or something."

"As a matter of fact, my crew if very keen on keeping a strict bed time schedule. Early to bed early to rise!" Will looked at Jack disbelievingly.

"You're kidding me."

"Yes you're right, I am kidding you." Jack then laughed as if he made the funniest statement ever uttered by man. Will just stood there uncomfortably, laughing lightly.

"Anyway mate, on with the good stuff and off with the clothes!" Jack leapt onto the bed and took off his jacket. And shoes and hat. Of course Henry wouldn't just hang with the rest of his clothes. Jack placed Henry The Hat gingerly on a pillow beside him, then sprawled out, his arms behind his head and he stuck a foot in the air, inspecting a dirty toe.

Will was about to have a heart attack. 

"W-W-W-" Will stuttered for a few minutes while jack motioned with his hand for him to get on with whatever he was going to say, quite patronizingly, if I do say so myself.

"Agh! What do you **mean** off with the clothes!? I'm a boy!" Will then corrected himself "A Man! What could we possibly do without clothes on?!" It was Jacks turn to look incredulous. _Maybe this will be harder than I thought it would be… He cant be this innocent with those looks. Oh goodness I'll have to take this slowly I suppose…_

"Um.." Jack thought hastily to try and find some excuse to excuse his not-so-gentlemanly behavior. "I thought we could have a pillow fight. And you **know** how those are much more fun when you're not wearing too much clothes." He said as he tossed a pillow to Will, which was not caught as he had expected, but it his Will in the face and bounced to the floor. Lovely reflexes, Will. Jack cringed slightly and stood, moving toward Will and trying once again to hand him a pillow. This time the perplexed boy took the pillow and looked down at it, then up at Jack, with, um, a um, perplexed look. Jack smiled encouragingly and gave him a thumbs up sign. Will lifted the pillow slightly then started beat Jack senseless with it.

"YOU. ARE. BLOODY. INSANE!!!" Will stood over Jack, who was in a fetal position trying to block his head from the insanely hard and consistent blows. 

Once Will finally got his anger out, Jack stood slowly and calmly, holding his hands up in a defensive way and said gently, if not mockingly.

"See? Much better without a shirt on- Ow Stop hitting me with that bloody pillow!" Jack exclaimed after Will began hitting him once again.

Will sat down on the bed; legs crossed and much more in control that earlier.

"Jack. I believe, that we have both come to the conclusion, that you are the worst pirate I've ever heard of."

"So I've heard from your bloody friend Norrington." Jack sat in a chair opposite Will and tried to keep his distance.

"Norrington was very correct."

"But then again Norrington was just upset that I tricked him into putting out." Jack smiled broadly but stopped at Wills look of confusion.

"Put **what** out?"

"His cute little bottom, of course." Will lifted the pillow again.

"WHAT?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T HIT ME, I ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION!"

"Why would he put his bottom out? Where would he put it, and why did you call it cute?" 

Jack looked at him and stood, making no sudden movements. He gently pried the pillow out of Will's hands and placed his hand on his shoulder and said, a bit pityingly.

"Will, you don't know much about S-E-X, ya mate?"

"Of course I do, I know about a mans privates and a woman's privates and how they mix together like a bee and a birdie." Jack tried not to laugh, but will's serious look and defensive puffed up manly man stance made it difficult not to.

"So I was right, you **don't** know much about it." Will was about to defend himself once more but jack stopped him.

"Will, that's only a **part** of sex. Do you know about other kinds of sex?" From the confused look on Wills face, Jack knew he was in for a long night of explaining.

"Will do you know what men and men do together?"

"Um-"

"Well first you must realize that men have bananas. You following mate? Girls, they don't have bananas but they like them so they find a man who is nice and share his banana. Well girls they have an oval wheel and two balls that would fit in the oval wheel if it were not for the fact that they are too far away form each other. Men like round object because they tend to be simple minded and it amuses them, you see? Well some men are **extra** smart and don't get amused so easily by wheels. They prefer bananas because they're more complex. So men, instead of trying to put the round object together, they try and find a place to put the banana cause they like to have everything in place so they find a place to put the banana. Quite simple really they just squeeze 'em into a.. um.."  Jack motioned at the area around his ass,

"Anyway there are also men who like any attractive thing with two legs. Like me, for example."  Jack put his hands on his hips and smiled broadly, he'd never given a sex talk before and he thought he'd done particularly well, but who would have any doubt, he was captain jack sparrow after all.

Will looked stunned. Not because he didn't understand… ooooooh quite the contrary. He was stunned because he took in every single word of it. And it scared the living shit out of him. He took everything in slowly and then looked at Jack, at a loss for words, but Jack was never one to let an awkward silence go on too long… oh no he wasn't. Jack pushed Will aggressively onto his back on the bed and straddled him hips sinuously.

"And you, my friend, are the best looking thing on legs I've seen in a very, very long time" Jack purred seductively.  But of course, before the slightly turned on, completely awed, and scandalously clad boy could even react with anything more than a whimper, a great tremor shook the ship, followed by shouts and gun fire. 

Jack nearly started crying and looked up to the heavens (or the underside of the deck) and asked silently, _Why, why, why meeee?! I was **this** close!! I even explained it to him!_ But there was no time for that, Ana Maria called from the other side of the door and Jack kissed Will on the forehead apologetically and ran off.


	6. How Lovely To See You Again

AN: Ok. I know. Its taken a while. ::snorts:: who am I kidding? Its been months. But I'm determined to finish this story. And I will or my name isn't Chadwick P. Dumbledore. ::snorts:: ok ok so its not my name but the thought remains.  I couldn't make it as funny as the last chapters but it needed to be done to be moving along. Please don't hate me, and tell me what you think. I tried to keep it light near the end of the chapter but hey… I'm only human. Any spelling errors are mine and mine alone, if anyone wants to recommend a beta I'd be grateful.. very grateful..

Jack sat in the captains quarters of a new boat. A considerably smaller boat. A horribly smaller boat that barely held his whole crew. And Jack was sad. And Mad. And distraught. Jack was lying on a bed that he'd never lied on before and cried his eyes out, face buried in pillows that he'd never had the pleasure of drooling on before. 

Jack wasn't seeing visitors. Jack wanted to be alone in his new, maybe permanent sleeping quarters. 

Unfortunately that meant that the whole crew was smushed together in the one other room on the boat with very bad tempers. That also meant that Jack's crew was about to commit mutiny on their oh-so-idiotic captain. Jack sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and then sobbed some more until he heard a faint knocking on the door (much different from the angry banging from about and hour ago).

"Jack? Jack are you still alive?" 

silence

"I know you are I heard your sobs."

Silence

"Can I come in?"

"Go away."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No.

"No."

"Yes- Agh! Jack! Let me in before I tell everyone about your banana speech."

Rustling sounds followed by a few quick footsteps and the unlocking of the door. Will was quickly pulled through the door and Jack locked it quickly behind him. 

"…Jack… Are you ok?" Will looked at Jacks tear stained cheeks and puffy red eyes.

"Yes I'm fine" sniffle "What do you want?" 

"I wanted to see how you were doing." Will took a seat on the far corner of Jacks small bed and drew his knees up to is chest while Jack lied back on the bed in his previous spot, once again hiding his face.

"Jack?"

"Hmmph?" was the muffled reply, Jack obviously didn't have the strength and will to lift his head. Be damned if he suffocated.

"I'm sure she'll give it back, she's really very forgiving…"

"hmph."

"I'm serious, She's never one to hold grudges. She'll be back with in a couple of days. Or hours even!"

**Flashback to earlier that… night.**

The commotion on the deck was horrible, loud, gunshots everywhere shouts and screams, not a pleasant sight. But Jack Sparrow could handle it, after all he had Will in the bed waiting for him and he didn't want to keep his lovely boy waiting did he? What a stupid question, of course he didn't want to keep him waiting, you idiot.

 Jack looked through the smoke and saw a much smaller ship- boat, even, right beside his and several unfamiliar men dressed in blue uniforms trying to take control of the ship, oddly though, they didn't seem too intent on hurting anyone. He made his way through the fighting crowd to Ana Maria who was trying to steer the Pearl away form the small ship. 

"Annie! What in the bloody hell is going on?!"

"One- dont call me Annie! - Two! It looks to me- like they're trying to take over- the ship"  Ana said, the sentence being interrupted every time a gun shot.

"Well I noticed that, Annie! How the bloody hell are they doing it?"

"With considerable- amounts of –guns apparently." Jack sighed and tried to get a better look at his surroundings. Something dawned on him and he spoke quietly, so much that Ana had to strain to hear him.

"Ana… this is the English royal navy… you do realize that, don't you…" Jack was awestruck, what on earth would possess them to do this after so much time? And on such a small ship no less… It's very peculiar… But oh dear, Jack was about to get a very nice explanation. He turned when he was tapped on the shoulder.

"Ah! Elizabeth! How nice to see you what brings you to my humble abode?" Jack said with a large smile but a hint of bitterness to his voice.

Elizabeth was dressed in a blue uniform like the men and carried a gun, and stuck it in Jacks gut, threateningly.

"Jack, lovely to see you as well. Just thought I'd stop by for a nice chat. I've come for a bit of compensation. The ship." Her smile faded into a sneer and Jack got a bit nervous.

"The Ship?"

"Now you listen and you listen hard Captain. You took something of mine now I'm taking something of yours and you have no say in it, I have the entire English royal navy under my whip and they will do as I say. Either give me the ship or I will sink it."

"If you were to sink it then I'd have no choice but to kill Will, you see? And we don't want that do we?" Elizabeth shoved the gun harder into Jacks gut.

"I take that as a yes."

"A yes to what?"

"A yes to giving me my new ship." Elizabeth smiled a bit and motioned for Jack to look around. Her crew had managed to gather all of Jacks crew and put them onto the smaller ship, Jack looked up in time to see Norrington pulling Will up the stairs, holding his hands behind him with one hand and pushing him along with his other hand on Wills hip. And Jack did not fancy the way Norrington's hand was touching Will's hip a bit too tenderly. Will was catching a glimpse of Norrington and he didn't look too displeased with how Norrington was handling him. Jack looked back to Elizabeth enraged. Elizabeth was smiling delighted with herself and flashed a large wedding ring.

"I'm sure you've already made acquaintance with James. Although at the time he wasn't my husband." She shoved him aboard the smaller ship and waved good bye as one of her men started to move the Pearl away. 

"Au revoir, mon chérie!"  

**End flashback**

Jack looked up at Will, sniffing deeply. Will cringed at the disgusting sound of snot and patted Jack on the head reassuringly.

"Do ya think so?"

"Yes I do!" Will was lying through his teeth. Jack was some what comforted by this but he still couldn't get out of his head the friction between Norrington and Will. _His_ Will. Not Norrington's Will. _His_ Will. Grrr.

Will reached out and got closer to Jack and started stroking his back and scratching at it lightly, trying to calm him.

"What will we do until she brings back the Pearl, captain?"

"Mmm…I'm not quite sure… mmm… mate oh that's nice right there…" Will giggled a bit and slipped his hand under Jack to undo his shirt, then slipped his hand under it feeling Jacks warm skin. 

"mmm"

"It seems as though you've lost your ability to speak."

"mmm… ima kill you…" 

"Why're you going to ki-" Jack grabbed Wills wrist and tugged on it, effectively pulling Will on top of him, Wills face falling no more than an inch away. It also effectively shut him up. Looking at each other, Will began breathing more erratically. He closed his eyes, paused and opened them once more, looking away from Jack not speaking.

"I'm tired Jack. It's been a long night I think I'm going to bed."

Will got off of Jack and walked away, pausing only when Jack spoke.

"You can sleep here tonight… On the floor I mean… or something."

"No… I'd better stick with the crew, captain."

Will opened the door and started to walk out but tripped down a few steps and tumbled his way to the floor. 

"Will?!"

"…I'm ok…just...bruised…ow…"

Then, Jack had an idea. A completely random idea. _I'll get meself a new ship. Then I'll use it to get into that boys pants. I'm a genius. I hope he didn't break any important parts… _


	7. In Which Draco Makes A Cameo

Authors note:: Sincerest apologies. In which Draco Malfoy makes a cameo. 

Early the next morning, Jack woke with a start. Why did he wake with a start? Because there was a ferret gnawing on his toe. Why's there a ferret on board? Who knows? All that we know is that Jack's toe hurts. He jerked his leg away from the ferret, who scurried into the corner, chewing on something greedily. It took Jack a few moments but by the searing pain in his toe(and the large chunk missing from his toe), he soon realized that it was in fact a large portion of his large toe that was currently being made a breakfast for a ferret. He screamed shrilly and ran out of the room, locking the door behind him. Just to make sure that little rascal wouldn't be able to open the door. Jack obviously didn't know much about animals. 

He limped onto the deck, it was just now dawn and no one was on board maneuvering the ship except for Will. Jack walked to him slowly, while speaking.

"Why aren't more men on deck!? How are we going to man the ship with one you!?" Will spared him a glance.

"Jack, I suppose you haven't quite gotten used to the idea that this is a) not a ship, and b) not even a very big boat. We don't need more than one man to man the ship. Everyone else is below deck planning your execution." 

Jack nodded understandingly, mumbling about how it wont be the last time.

"Jack! What happened to your toe?"

Jack had momentarily forgot the pain in his toe and quickly began hobbling again.

"A squirrel."

"A squirrel?"

"Aye, a squirrel."

"Are you sure, a squirrel?"

"Aye, a squirrel."

"A squirrel." Will said with a slight shake of his head.

"Yes, a squirrel."

"A squirrel, how do you figure?"

"I haven't the slightest, mate."

"A squirrel…"

"A squirrel."

"What did it look like?" Jack leaned against the side of the ship and got that look in his eyes that he got when he was about to tell a great tale. You know, the partially mad, somewhat mentally impaired look.

"T'was a monstrous thing! I've never seen such a squirrel! White as snow and it had a bloodthirsty look in its eyes," he spread his hands apart, about a foot. "This long, mate!"

"That long, you say?"

"Aye that long."

"That's very long."

"Yes, like my penis."

"…"

"What?"

"Nothing… Nothing at all." 

Jack heard a familiar scurrying across wood and to his horror, realized that the mutant squirrel had indeed managed to pick the lock to the door and gotten out. 

"AAAAGGGH!!!" Jack screamed and flattened himself against the side of the boat, trying to conceal himself. Will looked around, confused as hell.

"KILL IT, KILL IT, AND KILL IT! SMASH IT, WILL! SMASH IT! SAAAAVE MEEEE!!"

Will saw the squirrel. He blinked. The Squirrel blinked. Will did a jig. The squirrel hoped to God that Will wasn't mocking him, or else he'd be going after **his** toe tonight. Assuming of course that squirrels have linear thoughts. 

"Oh Jack stop being so hysterical, that's just Draco the ferret." _Damn straight I'm not a squirrel. I'm a ferret. A proud ferret. Watch your toes tonight, lock your daughters up. The ferret's free tonight! _The ferret thought. Draco the ferret scurried up Will's leg and perched on his shoulder.

"You named the dreadful thing?"

"No,don't be ridiculous. If I wanted to name a ferret I'd name it Twinkie."

"… Are you saying, dear William, that that **thing** named itself?" Will rolled his eyes as if it was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard.

"Well I don't **know**! I suppose you'd need to ask his parents that." Jack gave him the blankest look he could muster up. _Aren't **I** supposed to be the quirkily odd and slightly crazy, yet lovable pirate in this story? _

"I found this next to him." Will handed him a piece of paper that read:

                       We the people of Hogwarts, who henceforth shall be referred to as the senders, are deeply apologetic to you, henceforth referred to as the receiver, for the burden, which we have sent to you. We the senders regret the impending annoyance and inconvenience bestowed upon you, the receivers. Make it known that the senders are still content to send one Draco Malfoy away. Feel free to do with him as you please.                                  Yours truly, The senders.                                                           P.S. haha! 

Jack folded the paper back up.

"What's a hogwart?"

"I'm guessing a pub." 

"Mm."

"What should I do with the little sailor?" Will stroked his animal affectionately for several moments, and then petted the ferret.

"You can keep him, I reckon. Just keep him away from my feet. I need them, you know. For walking."

Will nodded.

Later, at nearly midday, Jack emerged from his cabin once again. He'd been going through drawers and closets, searching for hidden compartments, anything. He managed to remember the name of an old acquaintance, the used ship dealer, who had a little shop on Tortuga. "Come on up if yer ship's ever taken from ye by an angry governors daughter and he secretly gay navy beau!" The dealer had said. Hmm. 

He yelled to Annie to start on their way to Tortuga. She said that they already were on their way to Tortuga because everyone knows that in every story their either in port royal or Tortuga because no authors want to try and come up with an original place for them to be, also because their usually just writing so that they can get Jack and Will into bed, no need for a plot. Silly, silly Jack.

Jack walked up on Will who was searching through the supplies.

"What are ye looking for, lad?"

"Cheese."

"Cheese?"

"Cheese."

"Cheese, eh?"

"We don't have very in depth conversations anymore, do we Jack?"

"Nay."

"Does this ship- boat- have any cheese?"

"Cheese?"

"Yes, cheese."

"I can't say that I'm aware of any cheese…"

"Aha! Found something!" Will stood proudly and lifted the biscuit and took a large bite, showing Jack its contents.

"See? Cheese filled." Jack gave him a sympathetic look.

"What?"

"That's not cheese, lad."

Jack placed a hand on Will's back, who was slumped over, heaving over the side of the boat. He rubbed his back gently.

"Sorry about that, Will."

"No it's not your fault." Heave.

"I know. That didn't even **look** like cheese! How could you have been so stupid-"

"Not helping, Jack." Will stood up, one hand on his stomach. Jack assumed his position under Will's free arm and helped him wobble down to his cabin, and onto his bed. Once Will was lying comfortably, Jack had sat on the side of the bed and placed his hand on Will's stomach.

"We'll get you to a doctor once we arrive in Tortuga, if you're still not feeling well." Will nodded and smiled appreciatively.

"Hows that bloody ferret of yours?"

"He bit my toe last night and refused to come out from under Ana Maria's hat until he got cheese. Ana Maria threw a fit as well. I suppose if the crews out to kill you, pretty soon I'll be on their to do list. When are we getting to Tortuga?"

"One days time." 

"Finally, we'll be able to get a room at a pub rather than on this horrid little boat."

"Actually…"

"Actually?"

"Yes, actually."

"You mean there's an actually?"

"We don't exactly have the funds for a room."

"Excuse me?"

"We don't exactly have the funds-"

"I heard you! What do you mean we don't have the funds?"

"I mean we aren't in possession of an appropriate amount of money."

"Then how will we get a room?"

"…"

"We wont be getting a room?"

"Not unless you whore yourself out, and you'd better be good if you want to pay for a room."

Will considered this. Maybe he'd get to wear a dress. He always wanted to wear a dress.

"Do I get to wear a dress?"

So, dear readers, Is Mister Ferret to be a recurring character? It's up to you..


End file.
